he puts the penis in happiness.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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