Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
