As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
