I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
