Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
