Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
