I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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