It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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