while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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