Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
