Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
