i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
