So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
