Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
They have beer where we have blood.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize