drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
