I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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