the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
