I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
