I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
