I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
