TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
