How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
