I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We were destined to go to rehab together
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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