Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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