He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
