Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
