I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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