Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
