we have pet lesbian snakes
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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