just come out here and I will go home with you...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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