I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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