I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
