the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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