New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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