It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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