First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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