Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
