Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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