Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
