Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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