so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize