Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sobbing to NWA
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
