East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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