Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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