i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
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