end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
