Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
