He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
