He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
