I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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