If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
