I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize