I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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