i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize