So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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