Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
