Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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