Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You're so nebulous sometimes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
