I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize