I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
