you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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