my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
