Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
