Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
