The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
