I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
