Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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