you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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