The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
