I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
