who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
