Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
