My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
