I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
