you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
