Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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