There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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